Human interest

As Christmastime is with us again I've been faced with the annual challenge of facing and conversing with a great many more people than would normally be required of me. I find interaction with other people one of my greatest personal paradoxes that is extentuated even further when family and friends are involved.

Simple put, my problem is that I have difficulties with people and communicating with them. I'm certainly not what I would call 'a people person' and I hold little interest or possibly even a passive dislike in most people. As a child I was always regarded as extremely shy. I disliked having to converse with others and when visitors called would always prefer to hide away in my room until they had left. Even a simple hello or goodbye seemed challenging and taxing. Today I've made advancements in that I will greet and make some amount of small-talk with friends or family members. There still remains however and underlying unease at the whole experience. Yet I have trouble understanding this as I like the friends and love the family members in question.

More broadly I have a desire at some level to get to know new people, make new friends and even perhaps get involved in a relationship. However on a street I am troubled by proximity to others and certainly display little drive to get to know anyone I see. On occasion I might see someone who I find attractive, but even then my mind seems devoid of thoughts that would interest me in this person.

This is not to say I don't have friends, as I do, and some good friends at that, which makes the whole situation all the more peculiar. What I am experiencing though is that increasingly the people I am meeting are through text based forms of communication online. I do find these much easier to work with, as on forums at least you can read any amount of messages without any pressure to post a message yourself. Then when I do come to post I can word my message carefully, taking time in that the response. Once I've got to know someone in this context there's instant messenging; also text-based, but nearer to real time. Eventually this will lead to telephone conversations, which although difficult for me, are generally the most preferred.

I suppose what I'm trying to track down is the source or sources for this problem in communication. Is is some autistic related phenonenon, whereby my brain simply is unable to put itself in the place of another person, in a manner often described in Aspergers Syndrome. Alternatively, could lack of confidence be the key, drawing on my difficulties with thinking on my feet, making small talk and generally seeing through a successful conversation. Perhaps it's something else entirely.

All I know is that in practice all too often my head goes blank when it comes to thinking of topics of conversation or replies to what the other person involved in the dialogue has said. Only with a few friends I have lots in common with can I successfully carry out long conversations. It's frustrating, and it's one of the main areas I want to discuss with a psychologist as and when I get referred. I'm hoping that once I've begun to understand the underlying cause, then I can look at tackling it, maybe overcoming it. Until then, it seems to be a matter of gritting my teeth and trying hard yet feeling uncomfortable in social situations which in theory should be stress free but which in reality are greatly problematic.

Comments

I've just noticed that some of my posts have received some comments. Thanks to those who left your input and apologies for not responding. I've found scant enough time recently to write this blog, never mind check it. I'm sure somewhere there must be an option to be notified when a comment is left, so I'll endeavour to track it down and activate it.

It is good to know that there are people reading this blog. I appreciate that my posts are rather more occasional than they should be, and that in true dyspraxic tradition the train of thought can wander rather. However I have been continuing to learn about dyspraxia, and time permitting I shall try to get back on track with sharing this.

Thanks again for popping by the blog!

Against my better judgement

I heading into central London on Saturday to see off the last of my Christmas shopping. Now the idea of going into the shopping capital of the country on the last weekend before Christmas may not seem like the sharpest idea I've ever had, but hear me out. It actually turned out to be an unexpectedly enjoyable experience. I thought the streets would be absolutely jam packed. Actually, the ones I encountered were fairly manageable, and where necessary I took the back streets running just behind Regents Street and Oxford Street to get down to where I needed to be. Putting my mp3 player to good use, loaded with favourite tunes to give me a feel good attitude to the task at hand. Oxford Street to my surprise had been closed to traffic, so there was room to move, there was music being played, carol being sung, and a wonderfully positive feeling in the air. I walked around with a near fixed smile on my face. Not particularly usual when typically surrounded by stressed rushing Londoners, but on this day it was the definite mood of the place.

I was quite pleased by the end of the day. I was tired, true, but I got shopped, I went into the shopping heart of London on one of the busiest shopping day of the year, and I damn well enjoyed myself. I overcame it all, and won through. I surprised myself, and London surprised me. I'm sure there will be many other days in the year when it gives me a bad case of sensory overload, but on this occasion the Christmas spirit won through.

Cold calling

Unsolicited phone calls seem to be on the increase. Fortunately they can be largely controlled through opting out of receiving these, which means that companies that would normally call you are obliged not to. Still, a few get through, and I've been receiving some on my mobile. These are either to do with my mobile tariff or may be from one of the international call services I've been using recently (pre-Skype that is).

However being unable to be particularly forceful makes me susceptible to these calls. Fortunately I'm aware of them, and am not about to be taken in. In the past I'd say I'm not interested and they would argue their point and win - sometimes. Now I'm changed my tack. When they call, if I'm not interested, which is to be fair almost always, I'll say so and hang up immediately before they have to respond. It may seem rude, but at the end of the day I have a difficult time in confrontational situations and I am best avoiding them. These cold callers always seem to be from some Indian call centre, and are obviously trained in being persistent and somewhat argumentative. I'm not having it. I didn't ask for them to call and for once I've being assertive in exercising my right not to be bothered by these people.

To finish on a positive note though, I actually had a call from my own mobile provider today just to check I was happy with everyone and to ensure my all-singing all-dancing mobile was up to speed and performing all it should. No pressure to buy anything, just helpful information. It's just to know it still exists and the lady signed off with wishing me a Merry Christmas, which brought a smile to my face.